This is 40!
I am writing this after my 40th birthday (July 19th) as I want to be fully present for it.
See, I don't see 40 as "Oh my gosh, how did I get here?". I see 40 as a beginning.
At this point you have lived enough life that you know what you do and don't like, you still have the power to change your circumstances, and that semi cocky little 18 year old is still alive in there!
I used to think getting to 40 was so old (but what middle schooler doesn't think that). Tom just celebrated his 54th birthday yesterday (July 17th) and even looking at him across the room right now, God is so good, because he does not look like it!
I still think someone should have noticed when I was younger that I was never going to be with someone my age. But that is another story for another time....
So I figured I would share my top 5 learning experiences / life take aways so far, so whether you are younger than me or approaching you 80's it will give you food for thought.
1) Always be ready to change
Welcome to real life! No this is not a Disney movie or a John Hughes Rom-com. It's real life!! It requires that you change and keep changing!
This has to be at the top of my list because it has been one of the hardest for me to learn.
Growing up I didn't have many friends and was extremely quiet (which is what probably hindered the friend category). Due to these circumstances I looked to reading to fill my non-social life time. I sometimes would read a book a day. I would be in my room lost in a fictional world for hours at a time. Heaven forbid I get a book series that I couldn't put down! It was almost like I was living vicariously through the people in the books as I knew I was never going to have any of those experiences they were having. When a series was done, it was like you were loosing a friend!
Now don't get me wrong. I TRIED to make friends! I went to multi bible studies a week, I volunteered for things at church. I played tennis at school. I was in the school's christian club and did volunteer work. I had the model student resume!
However, when I tried to land a joke or say something witty with the people I was around, it never landed! They would just all look at each other and turn around as if to box me out.
When you are in high school, unless you are emotionally intelligent, you do not have the skills to cope with this. So I withdrew.
There were many a days that I just walked around by myself at lunch not having any group to sit with. I would go sit in my English teachers, Mr. Garfolo's classroom at lunch and get extra credit work done, or just find a shady spot to read.
Getting lost in these books gave me a false view of what friendship and love looked like! I figured, you be nice and kind to all the people around you and they will just reciprocate and be your friend back. Sorry people, it's not that easy! It should be though!!! Most kids, and many adults, do not have the emotional intelligence to just be themselves, accept everyone around them, and genuinely get to know someone.
Then enter the "Rom-com" John Hughes fascination. I would re-watch movies like this over and over. I probably wore out my Sixteen Candles and Clueless VHS's growing up. I was trying to find out how to be "cool" and make friends from all the wrong places. Least to say, none of these tactics worked for me. So, I just decided to continue being ME and just keep trying to talk to people. I must have gotten better at this because by my senior year I had a friend group and was dating.
Being willing to change that aspect of what I "thought" people wanted as a friend or girlfriend made all the difference. I opened up and was much more friendly and fun loving. However, it would still take over 20 years till I just started to feel comfortable in my own skin!
I will add that I have heard from people recently that knew me in high school and in their eyes I was the picture of kindness, so I must have done something right.
Always be willing to change your profession, your hobbies, and your dreams.
You can go back to school, learn a new trade, fight for a promotion, start a new hobby, write down a new vision.
I am just now starting to try these things!
I KNOW there is more to me than being an administrative assistant but I had never tapped into what that could be. I never saw myself as being the voice, the face, or the words for something great! If you don't try to find out what you like and what makes you happy, you may never fulfill why you are here!
I KNOW God has something greater for me!
There is something inside of each of you that you have always wanted to try or accomplish. What is stopping you from doing that?
Here is my list of things I want to try/accomplish:
Go back to school and finish my undergraduate degree in English minoring in Communication.
Get my masters (not sure in what yet).
Write a book
Travel the world ( I have been almost no where .... so the world is truly my oyster)
Start a podcast about our Constitutional Rights (for dummies of course)
Learn more about blogging
Finish my website
Flip more furniture
Learn more about Photography
Flip a house
Buy land and start a homestead
Build a greenhouse
I could honestly keep going but for time we will stop there.
ALL of this requires that I change! I cannot go into any of these dreams with a defeatist attitude!
I have to KNOW that I will do it and I will succeed!
I would love to hear from you and see what are some of the things that you want to try / accomplish?
The next piece to change that I have learned is being willing to grow from the people in your life. We all go through different seasons and moments that may be good for you with one group of people but those same people may not be able to go into your next season with you.
You have to be willing to say that it's time to move onward and forward. You need to be able to create boundaries or just say it's time for you to move on. This goes for anyone in you life!
There may be traits that you think you only exhibit while with those people but you find yourself exhibiting those same traits in places that you need to be more polished and/or professional.
If you are a dreamer and your friend or family member is an "eeyore", you just cannot stay connected for that time period of growth. They want you to still be able to hit the bar with them on a Friday night but you are trying to pursue your dreams, finish school, or start a family. Those things just don't mix.
Whoever truly loves you and supports you will be able to change and grow with you or realize that you need to follow what you are called to do and give you that opportunity to have that space.
Then you will truly know who is a part of your life or not.
Lastly change has to start in your mind!!
You have to begin working on what you think about yourself and what you say to yourself.
Are you constantly putting yourself down?
Do you think you are not enough?
Are you fearful of everything?
Dig deep and find out where those thoughts originated.
Did it stem from what someone else said to you 30 years ago?
Did you feel you don't get enough attention from people?
What made you fearful? Did that thing ever happen to you?
Once my pastor began working with me and helping me see where my harmful thoughts originated from (not an easy task for him with my hard head) he then had to tackle how to get me over them.
I am still working on many of these to this day!!!
God is great and I will continue to change and move forward in my life.
I will never be average or stagnant.
2) No One Actually Cares ... (let me explain)
Let me set the stage:
You walk into a room and someone from across the room looks at you as they talk to someone else. You instantly think something based on whatever their facial expression was. Maybe they had a look of dislike or disgust, maybe they were laughing. No matter what they were doing... I can almost guarantee you, THEY WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!
One the absolute worst traits that I have had in life is to "survey the room" as I walk in. It's a survival tactic that I picked up from probably Elementary School onward. I walk into the room, look around, see who is there, what they are doing, who they are talking to, and think the worst.
It has taken me ALL 22 years of adult-hood to just BEGIN breaking this habit. To this day people in my life purposefully tease me about this and pretend like they are talking about me just to prove the point that I am being ridiculous.
I would chalk this up to a form of emotional PTSD from different circumstances I encountered growing up where I thought, "if I know what is happening in that room, what people are talking about and thinking, then I can control my environment.". Wow Deborah... just wow!!! But this is actually a thing! After looking into it I realized I wasn't crazy and people really do suffer from forms of social control based on childhood circumstances.
It is now taking me a conscious choice and reminding myself in my head not to do this when I walk into a room. I also have to not shame myself for doing this. Even if it still happens. Things take time to back out of and it's going to take practice for me to rework how my mind thinks in social situations.
The biggest lesson and take away from social atmospheres are these for me:
Everyone in that room has their own problems, concerns, fears. They in no way, shape, or form care about mine at that moment.
Everyone in that room is living through their own moment and reacting however they are programmed or not.
Everyone in that room is so deep into their own story or conversation that all they did was just notice that someone entered. They may have not even connected that it was you.
Bottom line.... they weren't talking about you. The small percentage that it could actually be happening at that exact moment is so small that it's not worth thinking about.
Now when I walk into a room I try to just go up and start talking to someone right away to combat any silly thoughts that might go through my head. I have made some really great friendships because of this change.
3) Do It Right Now!
"Beast Mode", "Boss Babe", "Slay All Day" are many of the trendy terms that have circulated around these last few years describing that "go-getter" attitude that is crucial for success. However, that is probably a small portion of the population that is going to grind their day away in order to reach a dream.
Most people are LAZY! They have no drive, determination, or care to reach that dream!
Most people settle instead of pushing themselves beyond what they thought was possible.
Especially in the last 20 years where we are noticing a large percentage of men and some women who will sit and play video games for hours upon hours, go to work, go to sleep, wake up and do it again the next day. Whoever created the video game in my opinion created one of the most addictive drugs out there. Some people genuinely think they have accomplished something when they have won/completed a game. Now I don't want to get stuck on videos games, this is purely just an example. Video games for one is Netflix for another or YouTube for another.
I can say that I have definitely wasted whole weekends getting stuck binge watching something.
So I am not saying in any way that I am innocent in my example.
We all have dreams growing up. For many we start out wanting to be a doctor, lawyer, astronaut, etc... What happens to that little kid? To that dreamer?
At what point in our lives do we not continue to go for our dream?
Of course our dream evolves. I started out just wanting to be a stay at home mom (barely possible in my generation) then a magazine editor in New York, then an author, a surfer (haven't ever surfed btw), then an interior designer.
I haven't accomplished a single one of those things.
Okay...MAYBE writing my blog can be considered an author?
I am NOW learning that when you have a dream or a thought, you have to act NOW!
Faith is NOW!
If I sit around waiting for an opportunity to come to me, it may never happen.
I have to make the opportunity happen!
This could go for anything!
Right now I am learning about homesteading and reading up on it.
We have begun planting with grow bags in our backyard and have already learned so many lessons and have begun implementing fixes to help things grow better.
I am learning how to update my website
I am making a schedule for blogging to stick to
Building and executing an at home workout right now so whether I have 10 minutes or 1 hour I have no excuses.
Baking and cooking from scratch to save money
Learning about the US Constitution, Bill of Rights, Amendments, and History in general so that I can finally learn about politics.
Learning about starting a podcast and what I need to execute it.
Where I easily get stuck:
Finishing furniture projects due to other obligations or weather conditions
Finishing crocheting projects because I am trying to do all the other things.
Keeping my Etsy site updated and full
Many started but unfinished blog ideas
Keeping our house tidy
Wanting to just sit and binge watch something or go down an Instagram Reels 2 hour rabbit hole.
So am I a "Slay All Day" woman... probably not!
Can I be when I really put my mind to it... YES!
When I walk through the house and I see something that needs to get thrown away, instead of walking by it I now force myself to pick it up and say "I am a finisher of all things in the name of Jesus".
I do this with everything now to change my mindset!
Even writing this blog right now I am saying it!
I challenge you! What did you want to do that you could still pursue? Who did you want to be?
It all requires change.
4) Be Kind To Your Body
I am sure we have all had our moments of indestructibleness.
Nothing's going to happen to me!
Thank goodness for the front runners who are now researching EVERYTHING!
Anything that you use for anything, someone is looking into it out on the inter-webs and finding out if it safe or not.
I am very grateful to have not been a person to experiment with drugs for recreational use. Because of that though I thought my was able to handle anything else outside of that realm.
Saturday movie days growing up where I am pretty sure that besides and PB&J sandwich I ate a pound bag of Peanut Butter M&M's and Popcorn galore in a day! But I wasn't drinking soda, so I was okay right?
Becoming a little gym rat right out of high school and taking Ephedra before it was banned in 2004. I would run an hour everyday and do crazy leg workouts! I was totally fit but my heart was RACING all day! I got up to the point that I was taking multiple pills a day. I am so lucky I didn't get hurt or die.
Taking Yasmin Birth Control which ended up being highly destructive to my kidney's and bladder and causing years of issues after. (By the grace of God I am now healed from all of that!)
Taking sometimes 8 Advil a day for years! I can confidently say now that I am completely healed from that addiction and I do not take anything now!
I no longer have the headaches I used to have, any of the pain I used to have!
All Glory to God for healing me!
Everything in moderation is what I am learning now.
That can be used in any area: Food, Recreation, Studying, Learning, Reading, Movies, Games, Sports, Hobbies, Business, etc...
If you have not heard of or used the Yuka App I highly encourage you to do so! It was life changing for me.
I am currently learning so much about what Cortisol, Stress, and Adrenal Fatigue do to the body. Yikes!!
We have thrown away anything in our house that had potential endocrine disruptors in them, which felt like almost everything in the bathroom. It's actually pretty entertaining to go through the store scanning everything! My favorite is to scan the think that has all the key words that make you think it's super healthy only to find out the rating is BAD.
There is a lot of push back on YouTube on this app because people have to give up so much and products that dermatologists recommend and skincare professionals recommend are now being labeled as bad, so of course those people aren't going to be happy that they cannot sell their products to someone who uses the app. Also, if there is even just a small percentage of something bad in one of the products, I am no longer going to take the risk, I will not use it! The long term effects on my body are so much more important than giving up a product I like.
This is how I see it... whether the app is perfect of not, if it can help me see if a product is potentially harmful to me then I will certainly listen and see if there is a healthier alternative to use.
What so many people don't think about is that a lot of little toxins during the day add up to being a big deal later. I would rather not have to deal with "the big deal".
Final thoughts about our bodies:
Practice good hygiene
Drink water (if possible filtered by you at home) (CounterTop Reverse Osmosis)
Use non-toxic skincare and makeup (Cocokind is my favorite right now - click here for 20% off of $50 or more)
Avoid large caffeine consumption
Avoid large alcohol consumption
Eat whole healthy food (if possible grown by you with organic homegrown compost)
Cook from scratch
Give your mind rest
Exercise
Find a fun hobby
Get time with friends to relax your mind
Pray
Find a quiet space that just you enjoy that you can get away to, whether it be in your backyard, the forest for a hike, or the beach.
Listen to calm music
Meditate (I like using the Headspace App)
5) Laugh and learn to enjoy everything!
How easy it is to get caught up in your day! Quite often I look at the clock and just wonder where the day went. The days I don't laugh and enjoy something are usually my worst days.
I am learning to enjoy everything!
Too often people take the simplest things for granted. They don't enjoy a simple conversation or moment with someone. Have you ever had someone walk away from you and you said "Man, I am glad that conversation is over!". I ask you...what is in your that you couldn't enjoy that person? Do you think so highly of yourself and your time that you are above people? If so... GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!
Sometimes the most random and meaningless conversations in my day are a reprieve for my mind. A moment where I can just be and let someone regurgitate some random facts about nothing to me. Those are the best in the middle of a crazy day. I also just love people! I find them fun and fascinating. Every person has something great to offer. Sometimes they just need a little help feeling confident enough to share themselves with others. I NEVER want to be the person in their life that squelches that or makes them feel less than. That's just not right or fair.
The biggest problem I see, is that people are just not kind. They can't get past themselves for two seconds to make someone else feel great! What if you listening to that one person (you know that ONE person) talk makes their day and gives them the "umph" they need for the rest of their day. I am not talking about enabling people but just truly listening. Not listening while being on your phone or looking away from them, but making eye contact and listening fully!
I know people that when I walk away from a conversation with them, I just feel like crap. I feel worthless. Some of these people call me their friend, but I truly wonder, am I really? Sometimes you can be in a conversation and a person just has something to say on everything you say. They are extremely sarcastic or rude during the conversation. They have to correct you on everything you say. If you bring up a topic they don't like, they will immediately try to divert the conversation away. They try to control what is talked about and when.
I am trying so hard (don't feel like I am doing a good job of it) of learning the art of having a conversation but not divulging any personal or intimate information about me. Have you ever been in a a conversation where you walk away thinking, "I know nothing about that person but they somehow extracted all this information out of me.". There has to be some sort of "que" in that conversation where I can learn to stop or "Deborah, here is the point where you just shut up!". IF you know what this "que" is.... PLEASE HELP!
You know what I want so badly each day... I want to just have a conversation with someone and just have fun and just enjoy each other. Not because I did something for them or them for me. Just because we enjoy each other. I have a few people that I am beginning to build that relationship with and I find it really exciting! I really don't think this wish is too much to ask for!
So if we ever get the opportunity to see each other, let's just laugh and enjoy each moment together!
I truly love to laugh!
In Conclusion
I hope this fun little look into my thoughts and life lessons has given you a giggle today or a good lesson to think about yourself and apply. Everything I write is just coming from my heart, life lessons, a funny story or experience. I don't write to have perfect grammar or sentence structure. I write to share me with you! I hope you will continue to follow my blog, my website, and my Instagram! There is so much more coming!
Thank you for sharing your time with me!
I pray the blessing of the Lord upon you as you finish reading this!
All my best!
The Abundant Bee (aka: Deborah)
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